Friday, August 11, 2006

Earplugs Pleeeeease!

I cannot handle Senators coach Bryan Murray!

Never could. Never will.

It's not that he isn't a good guy - he appears to be a pretty sympathetic dude.

It's not that he's ever done anything despicable, underhanded, or rotten.There's no dirt on him of that kind I have heard of.

It's not that he isn't a good coach. He isn't!

What drives me just right frootloops about Bryan Murray is that damned annoying voice of his.

I know I'm being "not nice" here. If that makes me into a belligerent twit, I don't care. I get rattled and unhinged, frayed down to my last bare nerve upon hearing his voice.

Have you ever heard him?

He's got this sort of split-tongued Irish lisp that makes me go orangutan the second I hear it. It used to bust me up, now it just frazzles my psyche causing a headlong dash for a mute button.

How did he get this voice? Did he swallow a plastic Indian whistle as a child or does he have a pea sized blowhole in the side of his throat?

What comes out of Murray's whistle is this blown through a tube, syllable interrupting, "schweez" and "shuschwozes" that fart their way forth into every second word he utters. It's enough to make an immature adult crush a bear can into their ear lobe. It's not like what he's actually saying isn't asinine enough.

He reminds me of little Teddy Tedesco in my youth. Teddy was an irritating twerp with a habit of existing where he was most wanted silent. One recess I popped Teddy on the kisser cracking one of his front buckies. He spoke just like Murray until his mother had the good sense to cap the gap.

I wonder if Murray, in his playing days, ever needed to get his jaw wired shut. Maybe some of the wire was forgotten. Or not removed for on purpose.

When I watch him speak, that jaw moves left to right like an old typewriter, clenched tightly to his upper molars, careful to only spout anti-spit enunciations. Making out what he says often becomes a mensa-frustrating task.

Here's a clip of a transcript at the press conference following Ottawa's fifth game loss to Buffalo. I'll add in the Murrayisms - you try to figure what he's chewing about.

Reporter Question: Can you elaborate on what broke down on the Pominville goal.
Bryan Murray: Thatsch the OT winner ishantit! Well he schwept to the inschide of Schara near the boardsch broke into open ische. In our end he caught Alfreschun faltfooted. Eischer of thoshe two schoulda powketschecked him including Avery, Shorry, I mean Emery.

RQ: Did the Sabres relentless intensity wear down your offense in this series?
BM: Not really. We knew Schabres schtyle of play. The relentleschyntenshity wush nu shuprische ta usche. Our offenshied away from shcoring schanshes at the net. Thatsch why we losched.

RQ: In the end, you feel that was the difference?
BM: The conschickwensches of thosche muschtakesh were quite schvere, yesch.

You get the trip! I myself would be jamming Cheez Whiz into my ears at the thought of doing such an interview.

God help us if he should land behind the Islanders bench coaching the line of Yashin, Asham, and Kvasha!

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